Grief

As I type the title, Grief, I can't help but imagine a beautifully wrapped box that is waiting to be opened. Some people choose to deal with their grief by taking the lid off this box and examining the contents and then quickly putting the lid back when they are done. My box does not compare to this illusion that I have. My box is jagged and there are pieces ripped being held together with band-aids. The sides of my box are warped from the weight that it carries inside. I type this as part of my healing process and because it's time for my box to become stronger.

Unfortunately, grief is not new in my life. I've lost both sets of my grandparents and continue to grieve each time I have to deal with my grandfather's estate. It has gotten easier as the years go by but am reminded of it when I perform my monthly executor duties.

I thought that I knew grief....until I lost our third child to a miscarriage. It is different dealing with a death that is from your own flesh and blood. It is very painful to read my first post to this blog. Our family was so excited about bringing another member into our family. The boys were happy and were making their own plans for how things would be. We had begun making decisions regarding our future and how to accommodate a new member into our family. From the moment that you hear that you are going to be a mother, everything that you do has a purpose. We were excited and joyous about our new future.

We found out that I had a miscarriage the Sunday after our week off of Spring Break. It had already been a difficult week because Brendan had his tonsils and adenoids taken out that Tuesday of our break. Nothing can prepare you for a doctor to tell you that you are in the process of having a miscarriage. In my heart, I already knew two days before. I hadn't been feeling well most of the week and I had a dream that a baby had died. Hearing the actual words, took my breath away and has left me a different person. GRIEF. It is an ugly word that no one wants to hear, much less deal with. My grief has come in waves and it's come in small drips. It's hard enough to deal with grief on your own, but to have to do it with small children is heartbreaking and torturous. Brendan and Zachary had a difficult time dealing with it and still continue to grieve. I remember coming home from the ER and laying down on the bed. Zachary climbed in the bed beside me and curled around me in the fetal position and just wanted to be held. He knew that I was hurting but didn't know why or how. Brendan had a hard time understanding the fairness in that our baby died when his teacher would have a healthy baby. How do you make that better for him?

What do I want for people to know about miscarriage... Show empahty--wrap your arms around someone that you know who is going through this. A hug can do wonders. Even if you don't know what to say...SAY SOMETHING to validate what they are going through. Show COMPASSION--- I had one individual who could not look past herself and her news to understand how hurtful she was being.

I still continue to grieve but it has gotten better. My box can now support it's lid. Sometimes the lid makes it to the top and sometimes it's just hanging on the side. It's not the prettiest box, but it is my box and I do not ever want to forget.