Summer Fun

We have had lots of fun already this summer doing different activities. We started our summer off with the Horton family reunion in East Texas. We spent some time with the family on and off Lake Quitman. I think this was the first year that the "little ones" were able to create their own fun. We left the reunion and then I took the kids to Roanoke, Texas to visit our dearly missed friends, the Ellis family. The kids had fun spending time together again and making new memories. We were so sad to go but promised to come back when NASCAR comes to the racetrack in November. All of the boys, including Nick, are eagerly anticipating this event :)

We've had lots of fun spending time with some of our buddies that we don't get to see all that often. I had as much fun as they have catching up with everyone. My niece, Brianna, came and spent a couple of days with us. I love having a little girl around to spoil. Zachary was glad when she went back to Grandma's house. LOL....he doesn't do well with sharing his mommy.

Zachary turned five on June 29th. It's mind boggling to think that he is starting Kindergarten in the fall. Where does the time go???

Much to our disappointment, we could not travel to Newfoundland, Canada, as planned. Unfortunately with the Continental merger it completely messed up the airfare prices. I couldn't justify spending over $800 per ticket when we normally spend $500 plus baggage fees. So, we are saving our nickels for a trip next summer. I'm praying that the airfare situations will be resolved. The boys have not been back to Canada since Zachary was crawling. So our Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends will have to wait one more year. BOO!!!!

We are planning a trip to Sea World in San Antonio. The boys are excited to be spending several days there and about spending the night in a hotel. It's the little things that make them happy....just like their momma.

I have attacked several house projects that I have been putting off. My master bedroom is almost painted and Brendan's room is next. My "To Do" list is finally getting some things crossed off of it.

I am thoroughly enjoying my summer and the time off from school. It has been a rocky year for our family so it's nice to have some down time. I'm loving spending the time with the boys and my girlfriends. This is Nick's busy time of the year so we cherish the time that we are together as a family.

Grief

As I type the title, Grief, I can't help but imagine a beautifully wrapped box that is waiting to be opened. Some people choose to deal with their grief by taking the lid off this box and examining the contents and then quickly putting the lid back when they are done. My box does not compare to this illusion that I have. My box is jagged and there are pieces ripped being held together with band-aids. The sides of my box are warped from the weight that it carries inside. I type this as part of my healing process and because it's time for my box to become stronger.

Unfortunately, grief is not new in my life. I've lost both sets of my grandparents and continue to grieve each time I have to deal with my grandfather's estate. It has gotten easier as the years go by but am reminded of it when I perform my monthly executor duties.

I thought that I knew grief....until I lost our third child to a miscarriage. It is different dealing with a death that is from your own flesh and blood. It is very painful to read my first post to this blog. Our family was so excited about bringing another member into our family. The boys were happy and were making their own plans for how things would be. We had begun making decisions regarding our future and how to accommodate a new member into our family. From the moment that you hear that you are going to be a mother, everything that you do has a purpose. We were excited and joyous about our new future.

We found out that I had a miscarriage the Sunday after our week off of Spring Break. It had already been a difficult week because Brendan had his tonsils and adenoids taken out that Tuesday of our break. Nothing can prepare you for a doctor to tell you that you are in the process of having a miscarriage. In my heart, I already knew two days before. I hadn't been feeling well most of the week and I had a dream that a baby had died. Hearing the actual words, took my breath away and has left me a different person. GRIEF. It is an ugly word that no one wants to hear, much less deal with. My grief has come in waves and it's come in small drips. It's hard enough to deal with grief on your own, but to have to do it with small children is heartbreaking and torturous. Brendan and Zachary had a difficult time dealing with it and still continue to grieve. I remember coming home from the ER and laying down on the bed. Zachary climbed in the bed beside me and curled around me in the fetal position and just wanted to be held. He knew that I was hurting but didn't know why or how. Brendan had a hard time understanding the fairness in that our baby died when his teacher would have a healthy baby. How do you make that better for him?

What do I want for people to know about miscarriage... Show empahty--wrap your arms around someone that you know who is going through this. A hug can do wonders. Even if you don't know what to say...SAY SOMETHING to validate what they are going through. Show COMPASSION--- I had one individual who could not look past herself and her news to understand how hurtful she was being.

I still continue to grieve but it has gotten better. My box can now support it's lid. Sometimes the lid makes it to the top and sometimes it's just hanging on the side. It's not the prettiest box, but it is my box and I do not ever want to forget.